Re-Awakening: Self Realizations

Life tends to send us places that we never thought we’d ever boldly go. Sometimes it’s for the better and sometimes it’s for the worse and more than likely we don’t know what it is for until we’ve completed the cycle. I rarely talk about my own life on social media because I believe opening yourself up to the world leaves you open for criticism and social media can be quite unforgiving. While my skin is pretty tough, I question it sometimes. However, today I feel like opening up a bit.

The only people in my life that know my true trials and tribulations are my Mom and Aunts. They’ve seen me at ROCK BOTTOM and I’ve become very successful at it. I’ve hit ROCK BOTTOM several times the past few years. Unfortunately, the flaw of my optimism is that sometimes it leads me to a brick wall. Every career test and personality test I’v taken says the same thing, I don’t care about details I just need the end result. However, what I have learned is, the details are needed to get a desired end result. To understand me is to know that I am a dreamer and an idealist. I act on those dreams and ideals without a solid plan, which makes me fall flat on my ass a lot. It took a couple falls to realize that. However, through my falls, it lead me into a depression and a feeling like my life is plagued by some kind of curse. As if I take one step forward to only take two steps backwards. I have entertained the idea of giving up several times.

Eventually, through my struggle. I lost touch with who I am. I’m talking about the critical positive aspects of my character. I allowed life to beat me up and it was winning. All it took was one more two piece and a biscuit and I was out. I hit a wall. I big double brick wall and it was going to take more than a sledgehammer to break through. I prayed and prayed and asked God to reveal himself to me and show me the way. I’ve had many friends give up on me and then I started to feel like God did too. I started to feel alone and like I had no one on my side and no one to talk to. It was a feeling like the time I jumped off the boat in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, drunk. It was a great idea to take a dip at the time until I actually hit the ocean. I found myself getting carried away by the current and before I knew it, I was too far from the boat. The Ocean was strong and because I was impaired, my arms and legs grew weak quickly. My head started bobbing up and down in the ocean and no one was around. As soon as I began panicking, the drowning sequence started. I felt helpless. I was so weak and there was nothing I could do. I thought this was the end. A couple appeared and asked was I ok and all I could do is shake my head no. They swam to me and grabbed me, then taxied me to the boat steps. I got back on the boat and just sat there out of breath. I was there with a friend who was in the bathroom the whole time and when he came back he looked at me and asked what’s wrong, I told him I just almost drowned and that a couple saved me. He said who, but I was too disoriented to point them out.

I tell that story to illustrate how my life felt the past few years and several times I felt helpless and that it was over. But God told me, I’m not done with you yet. He has given me life savers several times but still I had a tendency act on impulse without formulating a plan to success. I kept failing the same test and I don’t know how many times he is going to let me retake it (plus a couple other test) but I have to find a way to ace it.

One day, I decided to go through all my email addresses and clean out old emails to create more space. My Yahoo address had over 800 emails in it and about 95% of it was junk mail. The other 5% was old emails from when I attended school at Fontbonne. I began to read the emails I sent and received between my original group members and the 2nd group members I had when I switched locations. As I am reading my responses and original sent emails, I got amazed at how focused I was and how much of a director I was. One email I sent to my 2nd group was so direct and professional, it looked like it came from the instructor. I saw emails where I was uplifting my team members, telling them how much they have improved, giving them kudos and support. I had old papers in there that were well written. I seriously began to see myself in these emails and papers in a different light. I was re-energized.

Through my falls, I’ve gotten equally successful at beating myself up as I had hitting ROCK BOTTOM. My confidence was destroyed. However, I believe that seeing those emails was God giving me another life saver saying, be the leader you already are. Everything that you need, I have already given to you. You’re not missing anything. And this my friends, was the Re-Awakening I needed to remind me that I am good enough! I am great! I am a conqueror!

I don’t care about who expects me to fail (believe it or not, there are people awaiting your next downfall) because to me, my failures are lessons that gives me the guidance I need to succeed and go to the next level!

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