Three hours past as she laid in the bed thinking about her life.
The ups and downs, but mostly the downs.
Too many downs to count. She could count the ups on one and half hands.
She kept rewinding the DVD player in her brain hoping to discover scenes that
She may have missed or gain a new perspective on an old one.
And every time the movie stops, she wondered “How did I get here?”
Was it trusting too much or not trusting enough? Was it childhood?
Was it heartbreak? Was it poor planning? Bad decision making? What was it?
What was it that made her come to this point in her life where it seemed like
Everything about it was dismay?
As she watched again, she took note of the times where naivety was prevalent.
She also took note of the times were her confidence shined.
She realized that at her core, she wants the best for herself and for those around her.
She had a true giving heart but allowed the pains of life to taint it.
There were times where her discernment told her “no” but she wanted to be nice.
And there were times where the side effect of niceness made her angry, upset, headache, nausea, bitchy, sneezy, snotty, shitty! And there was no medicine for them.
Wishy washy. Flakey.
And she didn’t know how to explain herself.
All she knew was that people were running for the border left and right.
Sometimes she felt it was the in her best interest and sometimes she blamed herself.
She longed for love but could not decipher what kind; often confusing it with longing for
She longed for assertiveness. The ability to speak her mind respectively and not care about the backlash.
She felt tortured.
She had an extraordinary spiritual gift but development was slow. Instead of using it, she
worried about niceness and being worried about niceness always brought those side effects
back. She just couldn’t figure out that niceness was ineffective but the use of her gift,
would be beneficial for herself and those around her in the long run.