The Girl Who Never Found Herself

It was 9:01pm.

And even though she could stay up a little longer, her body just wanted to lay in the dark.

And lay in the dark she did for hours. Lost in her own personal Wonderland.

Playing out a perfect life in her head.  Scenarios that would never in exist in reality.

Often quite the opposite plays out.

However, there were times when ideas would come into Wonderland that she would execute in real life and to her surprise they would work out exactly how it did in Wonderland.

With that type of knowledge, why was she still so lost in the real world?

Unable to figure it out, she eventually gets addicted to Wonderland.

She convinced herself that Wonderland would never be reality so it’s okay to live life there.

However, in real life, subconsciously, knowing that Wonderland would never be real began to take a toll.

Fear, anger, resentment, bitterness, loneliness, negativity, laziness, overly sensitive, narcissism, and that general feeling of failure loomed over her spirit like creamy smoked Gouda and sharp cheddar on macaroni noodles.

When in the real world, to cover her pain, she became quite the sociopath. She wanted to be liked, people to feel proud of her, love her, and support her.

But it just seems like no one ever bought it.

What she failed to realize is that by living in Wonderland, her mind was filled with brilliance and creativity.

But she never saw it.

Instead, she let fear tell her, “No, that’s not going to work.”  “No, people will judge you.”  “No, It will make you look bad.”  “No, people will love you too much.” “No, you will have too much attention.”  “No, that really ain’t you.”  “No, you’re too old for that.”  “No, that doesn’t make sense.”  “NO, YOU WILL FAIL.”  “No, just take the path of least resistance.”  “No, if you fail you will ruin your life.”

Fear was so loud in reality but on mute in Wonderland.

Every time she tried to plan something big in the real world that she created in Wonderland; Fear would show up again and get even louder.  Yelling and screaming at her.

This went on for so long until she just decided to let go.  Conform into what’s acceptable.  Conform to what’s normal.  Conform to the rules and regulations of the real world.

She only started visiting Wonderland occasionally, just to peak her head in and say hi.

Fear had won.

There was nothing special about her.

She clocked in and out every day.

Ate lunch at a set hour every day.

Watched the same shows on television.

And awaited for death.


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